This is just a thing I've been thinking about lately. One that I am surprised and disappointed that I've never thought about before. It was actually my phones auto spelling that started me thinking. Whenever I type paint it brings up saint first.
It's all in the name. The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Saints. That sounds to me like all members are saints. I'm sad to say that, looking back I was not living up to that name. I was not a saint. I never had that thought in my mind. I was selfish, not saint like. Suddenly having this thought made me look back through the time I was active as a member and the time I've spent since. It's been a hard time looking back at my life and seeing the things I've done wrong.
In the Dictionary the fist definition for Saint is, 'A holy person.' Not me. The second 'A person who is exceptionally charitable, patient, etc.' Again, not me. I have thought that I was a good person. I helped others when I could and thought myself to be compassionate. Yet looking back I can see so many times I could have been more. Knew that I could have done better with out having to put myself out at all. Simple small things like calling a friend I knew was having a hard time with something. And I didn't call. I didn't show my concern. I assumed they would be fine with out me putting my two cents in. I know that I am like that. I prefer to suffer in silence a lot but I also know that most of the people I am close to don't live like that. Only I am a hermit. I know many other examples that I choose not to put here.
So my final thought was only this. How many times in my life have I tried to act like a saint?... None. Why?... Never thought about it. I think I will from now on.
Side note. I haven't been an active member of the church for ten years now. Sadly I think I've spent more time thinking about how a member should act since I stopped going. Many times in a slightly malicious way. For that I am sorry. I've also spent a lot of times thinking about it with myself in mind and how I could be better. Faith has always been a hard thing for me and I know that it played a major roll in my decision to move away from the church. But another roll was played by my inability to separate the church from its members and judge the church harshly for what a member did or said, or didn't do. For that I must also be sorry. I judged when it wasn't my place. Perfection is not in any I know and especially in myself and I should have been more understanding. But I do still believe that those who put the name of 'Saints' on themselves should have an understanding of what that means and chose if they want to be a saint. I didn't and I think I've come to regret that.
Semel Insanivimus Onmis "We were all mad(insane) once"
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2 comments:
I guess I will have to tell you I dont consider myself a "Saint" either. Lots and lots of improvement needed. However, I hope I am working towards making myself better... even if that just means existing some days. I am learning to not judge myself too critically and just do the best I can do in that day. I think perhaps you were doing that too. I think you are a wonderful man Josh. Glad you are my BIL and hopefully my kids can look to you for help and advice. Especially after reading many of your thoughts, I think they would be wise to turn to you. Hope you are well, missed you this last week. We are going to Upper Falls on Saturday... if you arent working.. give us a call.
Most people aren't saints, and those who are have their non-saintly moments too. We are human and will occasionally give in to our fallible human ways... to ere is human & all that :) It's easy to get down on ourselves and feel bad and want to give up, but that's why we have our weekly reminder. And how many times have you heard the saying that the gospel is perfect, but the people aren't. The second of the the 3-fold mission of the church is to perfect the saints; and I've often wondered why that is included because realistically it can never happen. But I think people join the "Saints" because they like what it stands for - they want to be that person even though it will not be the #1 thing on their mind. I believe it's about trying..& doing good..trying and failing..trying again and hence picking yourself up and starting anew. It's having the faith to endure and move forth - which is a very hard concept for me.
Joshua, you been very saintly to me. You've been there for me many times and you support me completely. I know you're hard on yourself a lot, but I wish you wouldn't be. You're a very good person and someone who has many saintly attributes.
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